#42 - Life, The Universe, and How To Not Talk To Girls

My darlings, file this under "shitty ways to start a BDSM relationship."

SpankhappyRomeo: you need to be

 The Snob: I need to be what?

 SpankhappyRomeo: spanked

The Snob: Is that so?
The Snob: And what brings you to this supposition?

SpankhappyRomeo: you sis
SpankhappyRomeo: did

The Snob: How so?

SpankhappyRomeo: you are telling me now

The Snob: I'm pretty sure I'm not saying any such thing.
The Snob: Please support your hypothesis with evidence.

SpankhappyRomeo: you would have clicked block by now if i was wrong

The Snob: You assume so.

SpankhappyRomeo: you are proving me correct

The Snob: Not really, no.

SpankhappyRomeo: then go away and don't reply

The Snob: *patpat* have fun trying to play dom. I hope it works out for you some day. 

SpankhappyRomeo: you replied
SpankhappyRomeo: why?

The Snob: See, here's the thing about how a dynamic of domination/submission works properly: the sub has to actually give over the power of choice and direction to the dom. You can't presume submission. You can't assume intention that isn't stated.
The Snob: All that you accomplish with that manner of approach is getting unsatisfactory subs who don't really understand what they want, or pissing up the subs who DO know what they want. 

SpankhappyRomeo: you apparently have a rule structure that needs to be followed
SpankhappyRomeo: how has that worked for you?

The Snob: Quite well, actually. I've negotiated several quite satisfying relationships with folks who understand and respect boundaries and limitations.

SpankhappyRomeo: and i was right

The Snob: So has this been working for you?

SpankhappyRomeo: you have so far been a waste of time

The Snob: Only because you lack the self control to step away or the awareness to recognize the value of mutually negotiated boundaries.

SpankhappyRomeo: ah
SpankhappyRomeo: nope

The Snob: Yup.

SpankhappyRomeo: as you wish
SpankhappyRomeo: you apparently know everything

The Snob: No, I don't know everything. But I know what works for me, and also what is a generally accepted structure for the negotiation of a trusting kink-friendly relationship.

SpankhappyRomeo: yeah
SpankhappyRomeo: whatever

The Snob: I wish you the best of luck in finding what you seek.

SpankhappyRomeo: no, you don't

The Snob: Yes, I do.

SpankhappyRomeo: yeah

The Snob: You're not going to find it with me, and that's okay.

#41 - I LOVE the smell of rape culture in the morning!

ChildishRomeo: Hi baby

TheSnob: Why are you calling me baby?

ChildishRomeo: Because your hot

TheSnob: My hot what?

ChildishRomeo: U no your sexy

TheSnob: What? My sexy what?

ChildishRomeo: Your holy
ChildishRomeo: Your hole body is hot

TheSnob: I'm not a hole. I have a body of substance.

ChildishRomeo: Can we exchange dirty pics pls
ChildishRomeo: Pls
ChildishRomeo: Pls

TheSnob: Sure, I'll start.

ChildishRomeo: Okay
ChildishRomeo: Go
ChildishRomeo: Go

*picture sent - a handful of dry dirt and pebbles on a cement patio*

*picture received in return - frothy ribbon-thin waterfall in a desert landscape*

ChildishRomeo: Not thes kind of pics no
ChildishRomeo: Like dirty picks of u

TheSnob: But you said dirty!

ChildishRomeo: And then I will send some of me pls

TheSnob: Dirt all over that patio - soooooo filthy!

ChildishRomeo: Haha lol but pls pics of u and thin I will send pics of me pls

TheSnob: I have pictures of myself in my albums.

ChildishRomeo: Hal bout dirty pics of your self com on thin I will send you some of mine

TheSnob: What makes you think I want pictures of you?

ChildishRomeo: What makes me whant pics of u pls

TheSnob: Like I said, there are pictures of me in my albums.

ChildishRomeo: Pls can we pls exchange sexule pics been up all nite wating for people to chat with me pls

TheSnob: Why didn't you sleep?

ChildishRomeo: I. Was wating

TheSnob: I am not interested in exchanging sexual pics with you.

ChildishRomeo: Pls pls

The Snob: No means no, boyo.

ChildishRomeo: Just for a little while thin I will leav u alone plsplsplspls plsplsplspls

TheSnob: So do you do this offline too?

ChildishRomeo: How can I do this offline
ChildishRomeo: But really plsplsplspls
ChildishRomeo: Just a litt while
ChildishRomeo: Pls
ChildishRomeo: Pls I will start pls plsplsplsplsplsplaplslslaplslalsls

TheSnob: Ask women for things they don't want to give you and then when they say no, beg and pester and plead and whine like a little selfish boy whose mummy has denied him a lolly, trying to wear her down until she is worn out and gives in?
TheSnob: Because you don't give a damn about what makes that woman who she is. You're just interested in, as you accidentally poetically put it, her "hole body."
TheSnob: I said no, I meant no.
TheSnob: Go take a nap.

ChildishRomeo: Pls do you know iny body I can to
ChildishRomeo: Pla
ChildishRomeo: Pls

TheSnob: Try maybe a dating site slightly more geared for this kind of crap... but with your harassment-cum-rapist methodology, I'd really recommend you just watch some porn.

ChildishRomeo: I did and dating site it cost pls can we exchange oooo pla

TheSnob: No

ChildishRomeo: Pls
ChildishRomeo: Plssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

TheSnob: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo (since you're routinely dropping vowels, I'll use them)

ChildishRomeo: Plsssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss pls I will leavu alone

TheSnob: How about we just skip right to that last part?

ChildishRomeo: Pls just for a little while pls pls pls

TheSnob: Not for a little while, not now, not ever, not at all.

ChildishRomeo: Pls thin I promis I will leav you al

TheSnob: Leave me alone now.

ChildishRomeo: Pls

TheSnob: No.

ChildishRomeo: Pls

TheSnob: No.

ChildishRomeo: Pls

TheSnob: No.

ChildishRomeo: I promise I will leav you alone forever for jurist a l
ChildishRomeo: Inte while pls pls
ChildishRomeo: Pls thin I will leav u alone pls plspllsplsplaplaplplsplspl

TheSnob: How about you leave me alone forever in exchange for not block/reporting AND setting the dogs of Internet war on your crude, boring, harassy/rapey ignorant self?

ChildishRomeo: Why
ChildishRomeo: Okay I will leave u alone
ChildishRomeo: If u tell me someone I can chat with pls

TheSnob: I'd suggest perhaps a therapist.

ChildishRomeo: Pls

TheSnob: Yes, please, therapy. And also perhaps apologize to your mother for the flaming disrespect you have for women.

ChildishRomeo: Com on pls

TheSnob: What makes you think there is any chance I'd change my mind?

ChildishRomeo: Pls I'm about. To leav


Clearly that was something I couldn't resist - I shut the hell up and, thankfully, he went away.

#40 - Short, but.... no, not even sweet.

Forthright Romeo: hi hon,,have webcam to have some fun pls? horny?
The Snob: Wow, hi. NO.

Notice the silence that came after that? Behold, my darlings, the power of NO!

#39 - When the First Scam Fails, Scam Scam again!

I tell you, lasses and laddies - I give Mr. Frank Deins points for persistence. After our initial exchange, I thought perhaps he had taken some time to rest, reflect, and repent... or at least give the Diana Hacker manual of style a quick once-over.

Clearly, I was mistaken, because two days later:


Frank Deins
HEY.........THIS IS REAL OKAY


My goodness! Whatever was I thinking before? Clearly, now I must be convinced by his astute skills of persuasion. Or...



While I do appreciate your effort to make up for your earlier capitalization missteps by locking your caps, it actually manages to make even less a favorable statement than your first missive. All caps, you see, is referred to colloquially upon the internet as "Cruz Ctrls 4 Kewl" - a mockery meaning that, in actuality, it is quite far from cool.

Instead, as no doubt would be in keeping with the professional communications style guide for The Kansas Commission of Internet Gaming, I suggest that you only capitalize the initial letter of any given sentence as is the grammatical standard. Likewise, avoid beginning any of your communique's with such casual interjections as "hey" - do consider "dude" or "yo" to be equally right out.

And the ellipses - for the love of god, think of the ellipses! They must have tiny elliptical children to feed and clothe and watch over. The abuse stops with you!

Cheers!


But did the abuse stop with him? I cherished the hope! But after the passage of four more days:


hey.....am not here to play games nor joke......you just have to give me your full name and your home address so that the fedex man can come to your house and deliver your your money at your door step okay

Alas and alack. If only some of the caps from his previous message had made their way into this one. (Is there a wrestler called FedEx Man, yet? Their should be. Think of the lucrative tie-in deals! Not to mention all the opportunities for great taunt lines like "This is one dangerous package you WON'T want to sign for!")

Don't look at me like that. This IS my hobby, remember?


Can you also have him bring me a pony and a plastic rocket?


I think it's probably beyond hope that our darling Mr. Deins is a browncoat... we shall see. Or not. *holds breath*

#38 - This is more like dating than you think

I received this message on Facebook; it's not a dating hit, but it screamed for a red-pen treatment.

I'm FRANK DENIS from kansas ....I am here to inform you a good news about the Lottery game that was play for you with your screenname from our computer.. because all Deaf and hearing email address is on our computer.. You are so lucky to win the sum of $200,000 thousand us dollar's from the Lottery game that was play for you.. reply back with your Full name and address now so that you can have your $200,000 cash. I am so happy for you once again. This is not a joke or fake. reply us back now so that you can have your $200,000 money cash from us right away as soon as we have your Full name and address from you.This is not fake or Joke . We are looking forward to hear from you soonest. Thanks Now you will have to fill the form so that the fedex man can deliver you your winning money to you in 24hrs time.....Pls try be Honest with Us God bless.

Full name......................
Full Home Address......
Your Age.......................
Date of birth...............
Married/Single...........
E-mail............................
Hotmail, Yahoo,Aol,Facebook.....
Txt number ..................................
T.mail.............................................





Well hello there Frank Denis from Kansas, I'm someone that you don't know at all, from a place you're utterly unaware of, you foolish spambot! Let me make a few recommendations to you for your future scheming. First of all? Pick a picture that is truly unrepresented elsewhere online. Take your cameraphone out and get a shot of a businessman on his coffeebreak at Starbucks if you have to, Frank.

It's got to be better than pulling an image from a fake encyclopedia entry, like so:
http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/index.php?title=Dungeons_%26_Dragons:_Real_Life_Edition/Character_Classes&diff=4185470&oldid=prev

That said, let me now offer to you - right now, for FREE! - some edits and suggestions for your message.

1) If you're making up a fake name and a fake picture, you might as well go whole hog and make up some sort of fake organization. "From kansas" (It's Kansas, by the way, with a capital K - no REAL organization would fail to capitalize a state) is so general. Are you from the state? The rock band? There's no way of knowing!

2) Can the ellipses. They're a very specific form of punctuation meant to indicate trailing off from the expressed form of thought to allow the reader to complete the thought of their own accord. This punctuation should really only be used in chatty, colloquial formats and the occasional super-accomplished novelist's later works. It has no place in your scam-attempt to send a professional letter.

3) "I am here to inform you a good news" - it should be "of good news."

4) "that was play for you" - should be "played for you" - tenses are very important. Moreover, maintenance of consistent tenses are absolutely vital.

5) "with your screenname from our computer.." Again, this is where creating a realistic-sounding bogus corporation would come in handy. Something officious yet forgettable - The Kansas Commission of Internet Gaming. Sounds great, doesn't it Frank? Totally fake. Go on google it.

I'll wait.

...you do know how to do a Google search, right Frank?

5a) .. is neither a period nor ellipsis, and therefore invalid as an attempt at punctuation. Moreover, it's in the middle of a sentence.

6) "because all Deaf and hearing email address is on our computer.." This - wow, Frank. This sentence is a doozy. Let me take it in sections.

6a) If the .. was meant to end the previous sentence, then "because" should be capitalized, or gotten rid of entirely. In fact, yes, throw out the because. It then becomes an actual, complete sentence.

6b) Deaf is in the middle of the sentence. It should not be capitalized.

6c) I am neither deaf nor hearing. If you are going to attempt to tailor your scam toward a particular subgroup of humanity, make sure the person or people you are targeting is a member of your target population.

6d) Unless you harbor the bizarre notion that all members of the deaf and hearing populations share a single email address, it should be pluralized to "email addresses."

6e) The Kansas Commission of Internet Gaming is a serious organization, Frank. Surely it has more than one computer for all its many imaginary employees.

7) "You are so lucky to win the sum of $200,000 thousand us dollar's from the Lottery game that was play for you"

7a) Unless this is a bizarre grammatical twist and The Kansas Commission of Internet Gaming has its own money, then you must mean US, or United States.

7b) "Dollar's" means that there is one dollar with ownership of something. You, on the other hand, are offering "dollars."

7c) If you have the dollar sign ($) preceding the number, you don't need to put "dollars" afterward.

7d) Unless the full amount you're offering is two hundred thousand thousands, you do not need to have "thousand" after the number.

7e) In short, it should be written as $200,000 USD.

7f) Again, Frank, I direct your attention to the importance of tenses. "was played for you."

8) "reply back with your Full name and address now so that you can have your $200,000 cash."

8a) Begin a sentence with a capital letter.

8b) Do not use a capital letter in the middle of a sentence.

8c) Winnings do not come as cash; even lump sums have to go through other units of monetary transaction.

9) "I am so happy for you once again." While the Kansas Commission of Internet Gaming is clearly a generous organization, it would express congratulations in a reserved manner; it is more in keeping with the event than false joy.

10) "This is not a joke or fake." Baaaaaahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Oh Frank. Frank, you're funny!

11) "reply us back now so that you can have your $200,000 money cash from us right away as soon as we have your Full name and address from you."

11a) Don't be pushy for information. As said the Queen in Hamlet- ...Hamlet. Shakespeare's Hamlet, Frank. It's a play. She said, "Methinks the lady doth protest too much." This is much the same - the more you demand information, the less viable your offer seems.

11b) Start a sentence with a capital.

11c) Again - not actually a cash offer, Frank.

11d) The $ indicates money, and therefore it is unnecessary to specify that the $200,000 is money.

11e) This should actually be two sentences, by inserting a period after "right away" and then capitalizing "as."

11f) "Full" is in the middle of the sentence and should not be capitalized.

11g) There should be a space following the period at the end of the sentence.

12) "This is not fake or joke ." Baaaaaahahahahahahahahahaha! Frank, you're killing me! Oh, oh! And I see, that is where that space escaped to.

13) "We are looking forward to hear from you soonest." Soonest? Are their other folks queueing up as prize-winners with The Kansas Commission of Internet Gaming? This sentence would be better ended with "soon" - it conveys a sense of both urgency and of singular winning.

14) "Thanks Now you will have to fill the form so that the fedex man can deliver you your winning money to you in 24hrs time....."

14a) "Thanks." It should have a period after it... and also, the single word is rather informal. The Kanses Commission of Internet Gaming would at least formalize its gratitude to a full "Thank you."

14b) Presumably the "form" referenced is the list of information requested beneath; you may do well to look into creating a more evenly spaced and laid-out list - perhaps one that utilizes the underscore rather than the period that you so insistently abuse.

14c) The fedex man? First of all, Frank, unlike The Kansas Commission of Internet Gaming, FedEx is a legitimate and hardworking company, and therefore should be afforded both respect of reference, and appropriate capitalized letters.

14d) It is highly unlikely that winnings would be awarded by general commercial courier at all, let alone within the span of a single day. Winnings of that size require much more extensive legal and financial paperwork, and ultimately is transferred in these modern times by electronic transfer rather than paper instruments.

14e) The... the period abuse. Oh Frank. Were you pelted with periods by unruly children on the playground?

15) "Pls try be Honest with Us God bless."

15a) The Kansas Commission of Internet Gaming does not use internet or texting shorthand. Please.

15b) Do not capitalize letters unnecessarily in the middle of the sentence!

15c) Keep god out of your scheming. Jerry Fallwell will get ticked.

15d) Don't demand honesty in the middle of a scam like this, Frank - the hypocrisy is just too, too awkward.

16) And then the form. We've already addressed your layout concerns above. That aside, the information asked is a mix of appropriate and wildly not so. The Kansas Commission of Internet Gaming has no need for your targeted prizewinner's Hotmail, Yahoo, AOL, Facebook, Texting, or Tmail information.

So there you have it, Frank! Hopefully these tips, tricks, and edits will be of use to you in the future, in building a cleaner, more concise, and above all more effective internet phishing scam.

Cheers!

#37 - Coming On To The Void

Remember this guy?

Well, despite that rather massive flounce, he keeps messaging your favorite snob. I'm not sure if he just mass-messages all the women fitting a certain set of criteria, or if he's poking the bear, or if he's really just that DUMB... but on a weekly basis (usually Thursday or Friday, which leads me to think he's looking for some cheap and easy weekend, er.... companionship) I get a message from him.

Despite our earlier exchange.

Despite the fact that I don't reply.

Following the messages in the blogpost I've linked in the initial sentence above, I have received the following... bewilderingly cheerful messages.

WOW so you are that serious too bad, well good news for you is there are lots and lots a lame ass fucks on here that will say just what you wanna hear to try and get something so good luck in that pool lame assness take care and be awesome my fellow NYer AKA the typical woman and dont worry ill not say hello again sexy lady

If only he had kept his promise! Slightly less than a month later,

Hello again pretty soft fluffy baby girl hope the sun is shinieing on you and all is good, tickle pinch spank and take care sexy lady

Okay, let's red-pen this really quickly:

1) You promised you would not say hello again, and then began with "hello again" - that's just a fail on general logic and follow-through, right there.

2) There should be a period after "girl."

3) ...after which "hope" should be capitalized.

4) The sun would be "shining" without any extraneous e's.

5) The comma after "good" should be a period.

6) ...after which "tickle" should be capitalized.

7) Presuming the series "tickle pinch spank" to be emotive, they should be set apart as such with a change in font or delineating bracketing marks - perhaps putting them in italics or surrounding them *with asterisks* which are two of the most common conventions.

8) The series should be comma-delimited.

9) There should be a period after "lady."

And that doesn't even TOUCH content (and I don't know if I want to - it's already so disturbingly touchy-feely on its own) - the same drek which continues through his next message, 5 days later:

Hello again you sexy soft baby girl, cyber bottom of the butt cheek spanks and hi hi'sss to you my fellow NYer , hope all is good and the smiles many, now say hello again you little wet fluffy baby girl id like that lots, now wheres my hello sexy lady, tickle hug pinch and take care

10 days after that:

Hello hello again you soft little fluffy baby girl now say hello again you mean eeeeeee, Happy TGIF and holiday weekend to you my fellow NYer hope all is good and the smiles big, tickle hug hi hi'sss to you and take care

6 days later:

Hey hey hello hello there my fellow NYer, hows you doing soft little nawty girl hope all is good and the smiles are big yes yes now say hello again its your turn nawty little girl so do it already miss i wanna spank you a pretty shade a pink and kiss you all over, cyber hiinie kiss'es nipple twist and hugs and be awesome

And 6 more days:

Hello hello hello , cyber hinnie spanks and hugs hi hi'sss to you soft sexy nawty little fluffy baby girl , happy Hump Day to you my friend hope the day is going good for you and yours and all is great, now im guessing you know what time it is ??? yes yes its your turn to say hello back little soft girl so do it and see what i say back hehe wink wink , take care little miss wet and wild and be awesome , hard tummy kiss'es clit spanks and butt pinches to you

As I say: bewildering. Amusing. And really, rather depressing that after flouncing the way he did, he not only came back, but with consistently rude, presumptive, overtly forward and poorly written messages like this - without getting any response to any of them. No encouragement. Only silence.

I'm tempted to make this guy an incidental regular on the blog and red-pen for the sake of my blood pressure, and to amuse you for as long as he keeps it up.

#36 - Do You Even Know What A "Petard" is?

I am always a bit leery when I get messaged by someone whose match percentage doesn't reach a particular lower threshold - it almost always ends badly. Not only did this gent not reach the lower threshold, he didn't even hit the 50% mark.

Naturally, I was skeptical.



Mismatched Romeo: hi

The Snob: Hello.

Mismatched Romeo: how are you tonight

The Snob: Fine, thank you.

Mismatched Romeo: cool
Mismatched Romeo: what are you up too

The Snob: Tooling around on the internet, mostly.

Mismatched Romeo: lol i hear ya i am bored myself wish i have you around me lol

The Snob: Why would you wish that? I might be awfully dull. Or violent!
The Snob: Or both. Dull AND violent. That would be a neat trick, actually.

Mismatched Romeo: i think you are pretty sweet , if you ask me lol

The Snob: I can be pretty rude.

Mismatched Romeo: so do i but i have no reason to be all i am lookin is a good time not to be an aswhole lol

The Snob: What are you looking for, exactly?

Mismatched Romeo: as right now more of a friends whit benefits

The Snob: And what prompted you to message me in that respect?

Mismatched Romeo: nothing prompted me just was wonder what are you up too cause in your profile says that you are looking for casual sex
Mismatched Romeo: thats all

The Snob: Oh, that. Yeah, I find my definition of casual sex isn't quite in line with everyone else's.
The Snob: So if that's all that brought you in, then I thank you for your interest and conversation, but I don't want to waste your time.

Mismatched Romeo: ok have nice day lol

The Snob: You too!



Hah! You thought this was going to be a disaster, didn't you? So did I. Turns out, even the Snob can have her own expectations overturned. Keep communication clear, folks, and sometimes people really will pleasantly surprise you!

(I think "aswhole" is my new favorite misspelling ever.)