Thursday, May 13, 2010

#34 - Lame-o. Like Steve-O. In the Dairy-O. ...E-I-E-I-O?

So among the several sites The Snob has a profile on, there are a few that let you select from a pre-written radio-buttoned list of likes and dislikes, ranging from hobbies to hard kinks; they also tend to let you put down your level of interest and experience. The idea, I suppose, is to let you find people with the characteristics and interest you yourself find interesting, as well as to give you a very general idea of what you're looking at when you're reading a person's profile. I think of them as being sort of like the meta-tags on the Amazon listing for a book, while the overall profile is sort of the book blurb - the person themselves being the story in the book that you get to know. I know, the analogy's getting a bit thin, and I digress.

Another use of these lists is that they give someone an easy lead-in for something to talk about when they message someone else, particularly if you find they have strong interests in something that strike an intriguing chord. Hence, this message I recently received.

loves singing, spankings, bondage and curious about fisting wow you sound cool, now say hello and see what happens next , either way a hello or not take care and be awesome

I know, I know - run on sentence, no ending punctuation, and nary a capital letter in sight. But I was in an affable mood, I suppose, and therefore responded:

*chuckle* Well hello there.

Then there wasn't a peep out of him for a day or three, and I (mistakenly) assumed that lack of immediate and equally expressed interest in his own kinks made him veer of in favor of more suitable conversation. Like with someone who doesn't know a semi-colon from a semi truck.

Boy, was I wrong.

Happy hump day my little nawty soft fellow [state redacted]er., cyber hinnie spanks and inner thigh kiss'es hi hi'sss to you, so hows it going there little miss i need a good hinnie spanking and teaseing, yes yes ill just bet you do hehe wink wink, well here a few answering ebay emails and saying hello to you so say it back you sexy fucker, have a great rest of the week and take care, hard butt cheek kiss'es, inner thigh pinches and hugs hi hi'sss to you and take care sweet cheeks

Are you stunned and a bit flabberghasted? I was. Let us take this in parts, shall we?
1. It's one sentence. Let me say that again. IT'S ONE SENTENCE. And yet it isn't, exactly, because it doesn't even have any sort of hardstop punctuation at the end.
2. I was going to take the misspellings as they came, but lets get it over with and just list them all in order:
nawty / naughty
hinnie / hiney x2
kiss'es / kisses x2
hi hi'sss / hi his (Are we a snake? Seriously now.) x2
teaseing / teasing
ill / I'll
hehe / heh heh
One thing I can say for him, at least when he misspells something he does it with consistency.
3. Soft? I know at least one person that can vouch for my inadvertently pointy portions, despite how I've theoretically developed a fairly thorough all-over padding.
4. Of the greetings offered, only the "hi hi"s are really appropriate for someone to whom he's sent one message, regardless of the site that he's on or the lewdity of the day popping up in the sidebar ads. After meeting someone once in real life and getting the barest, albeit positive, greeting in return, does one have the freedom to greet them with groping and oral contact upon their intimate areas without so much as a by-your-leave? Why no. No one does not. How the hell do they think that's appropriate in a venue in which presumably they are seeking to actually make a positive connection which COULD lead to such consensual touching? Cart. Horse. Interstate highway in between.
5. "Little Miss I-Need-A-Good-Hiney-Spanking-And-Teasing" (punctuation and caps mine (obviously) because I couldn't stand writing out his misspellings again) - Forgetting entirely how we SO are not into the stage of a relationship wherein one can give the other a cutsey/naughty nickname, how could he possibly assume I'm in need of a spanking or a tease? He'd only JUST asked how it was going. Give a girl a chance to respond? Maybe I need a cuddle and a chocolate bar. Maybe I need a vicious whipping and some sensory deprivation. YOU don't know.
6. I fear for the level of service people are getting dealing with this man on eBay. I really do.
7. I know you're saying hello to me. How could I have missed it? Trust me, you aren't smooth. Or suave. Or anything remotely resembling subtle.
8. "...so say it back you sexy fucker..." Oh gosh. You called me a sexy fucker. Take me now, and let us not even quibble a moment on you presuming the right to tell me what to do!
9. At least he, uh, was upbeat. Wishing me a nice week and all. Because how could it NOT be, with a sweet and tender missive like his smack dab in the middle of it?
10. But cheek kisses, inner thigh pinches, and hugs? Please see #4, substituting farewells for greetings.
11. Sweet cheeks? See #5, regarding the stage of nicknaming. Which even after all this, we somehow are not in.

I didn't send him the above though; that's here only. I was tired, and cranky, and I suppose therefore a little off my game, because all he got was:

Are....are you drunk or something? Because I cannot for the life of me think of a reason for you to presume it's okay to talk about kissing or pinching or touching any part of me. You are not a lover. You are not even a friend, and if you're that free and easy with strangers, then I don't think I am the woman you're looking for.

Apparently I was not clear.

What the F are you talking about LoL WOW miss serious, well guess what if your that serious then right back at you wow sorry a simple silly fun hello blew your mind, i see you may just be the typical woman thats use to just hearing the same ole same ole lame asses spueing just what they think you wanna hear to get somewhere, well i say what i wamt ,, when i want and how i want to but i mean what i say when i say it so see you have me totaly wrong hope so dont be a typical woman and we will both be wrong hehe wink wink wow and i was just gonna say ?????? not now LoL wow now dont lame O theres enough lame ass serious people already , well hope the smiles are big and you and yours are all doing great

To use his succinct way of putting it, ??????

But since he's called me "miss serious" let's look at this seriously. He says what he wants, when he wants, how he wants. to. So he's portrayed himself just as he is - and he thinks I have him wrong?

I'm pretty sure I have him right - at least as far as being someone I'm not interested in exchanging further messages with. My only question now is - does The Snob want to take her red pen to that last message as well, or will doing so make her run the risk of genuine head explodey?>

1 comment: