#35 - Where did I leave my telescoping crop?

CowboyRomeo: hey sexy

TheSnob: Hello.

CowboyRomeo: just think ur very sexy babe

TheSnob: Thank you.

CowboyRomeo: are u in to younger guys

TheSnob: I haven't dated a younger guy since high school, so I really don't know.

CowboyRomeo: o ok do u have a web cam

TheSnob: Yup, it's integrated into my machine.

CowboyRomeo: sweet are u into having a lil fun

TheSnob: I am having fun.

CowboyRomeo: wow wht u doin

TheSnob: Playing World of Warcraft.

CowboyRomeo: ok thats sounds fun but im funner then tht... lol

The Snob: I dunno. In World of Warcraft I can fly in a zeppelin.

CowboyRomeo: well i can make u feel like ur flyin, and feel like ur riding a stallion

TheSnob: Do you have a stable of horses?

CowboyRomeo: something like that

TheSnob: That must be a lot of work. I hear horses are very expensive. Did you know they sleep standing up?

CowboyRomeo: yup...

...at which point our intrepid rancher seemed to have lost interest, which is just as well for yours truly, dear reader: The Snob had a Vile Priestess and her minions to slay.

#34 - Lame-o. Like Steve-O. In the Dairy-O. ...E-I-E-I-O?

So among the several sites The Snob has a profile on, there are a few that let you select from a pre-written radio-buttoned list of likes and dislikes, ranging from hobbies to hard kinks; they also tend to let you put down your level of interest and experience. The idea, I suppose, is to let you find people with the characteristics and interest you yourself find interesting, as well as to give you a very general idea of what you're looking at when you're reading a person's profile. I think of them as being sort of like the meta-tags on the Amazon listing for a book, while the overall profile is sort of the book blurb - the person themselves being the story in the book that you get to know. I know, the analogy's getting a bit thin, and I digress.

Another use of these lists is that they give someone an easy lead-in for something to talk about when they message someone else, particularly if you find they have strong interests in something that strike an intriguing chord. Hence, this message I recently received.

loves singing, spankings, bondage and curious about fisting wow you sound cool, now say hello and see what happens next , either way a hello or not take care and be awesome

I know, I know - run on sentence, no ending punctuation, and nary a capital letter in sight. But I was in an affable mood, I suppose, and therefore responded:

*chuckle* Well hello there.

Then there wasn't a peep out of him for a day or three, and I (mistakenly) assumed that lack of immediate and equally expressed interest in his own kinks made him veer of in favor of more suitable conversation. Like with someone who doesn't know a semi-colon from a semi truck.

Boy, was I wrong.

Happy hump day my little nawty soft fellow [state redacted]er., cyber hinnie spanks and inner thigh kiss'es hi hi'sss to you, so hows it going there little miss i need a good hinnie spanking and teaseing, yes yes ill just bet you do hehe wink wink, well here a few answering ebay emails and saying hello to you so say it back you sexy fucker, have a great rest of the week and take care, hard butt cheek kiss'es, inner thigh pinches and hugs hi hi'sss to you and take care sweet cheeks

Are you stunned and a bit flabberghasted? I was. Let us take this in parts, shall we?
1. It's one sentence. Let me say that again. IT'S ONE SENTENCE. And yet it isn't, exactly, because it doesn't even have any sort of hardstop punctuation at the end.
2. I was going to take the misspellings as they came, but lets get it over with and just list them all in order:
nawty / naughty
hinnie / hiney x2
kiss'es / kisses x2
hi hi'sss / hi his (Are we a snake? Seriously now.) x2
teaseing / teasing
ill / I'll
hehe / heh heh
One thing I can say for him, at least when he misspells something he does it with consistency.
3. Soft? I know at least one person that can vouch for my inadvertently pointy portions, despite how I've theoretically developed a fairly thorough all-over padding.
4. Of the greetings offered, only the "hi hi"s are really appropriate for someone to whom he's sent one message, regardless of the site that he's on or the lewdity of the day popping up in the sidebar ads. After meeting someone once in real life and getting the barest, albeit positive, greeting in return, does one have the freedom to greet them with groping and oral contact upon their intimate areas without so much as a by-your-leave? Why no. No one does not. How the hell do they think that's appropriate in a venue in which presumably they are seeking to actually make a positive connection which COULD lead to such consensual touching? Cart. Horse. Interstate highway in between.
5. "Little Miss I-Need-A-Good-Hiney-Spanking-And-Teasing" (punctuation and caps mine (obviously) because I couldn't stand writing out his misspellings again) - Forgetting entirely how we SO are not into the stage of a relationship wherein one can give the other a cutsey/naughty nickname, how could he possibly assume I'm in need of a spanking or a tease? He'd only JUST asked how it was going. Give a girl a chance to respond? Maybe I need a cuddle and a chocolate bar. Maybe I need a vicious whipping and some sensory deprivation. YOU don't know.
6. I fear for the level of service people are getting dealing with this man on eBay. I really do.
7. I know you're saying hello to me. How could I have missed it? Trust me, you aren't smooth. Or suave. Or anything remotely resembling subtle.
8. "...so say it back you sexy fucker..." Oh gosh. You called me a sexy fucker. Take me now, and let us not even quibble a moment on you presuming the right to tell me what to do!
9. At least he, uh, was upbeat. Wishing me a nice week and all. Because how could it NOT be, with a sweet and tender missive like his smack dab in the middle of it?
10. But cheek kisses, inner thigh pinches, and hugs? Please see #4, substituting farewells for greetings.
11. Sweet cheeks? See #5, regarding the stage of nicknaming. Which even after all this, we somehow are not in.

I didn't send him the above though; that's here only. I was tired, and cranky, and I suppose therefore a little off my game, because all he got was:

Are....are you drunk or something? Because I cannot for the life of me think of a reason for you to presume it's okay to talk about kissing or pinching or touching any part of me. You are not a lover. You are not even a friend, and if you're that free and easy with strangers, then I don't think I am the woman you're looking for.

Apparently I was not clear.

What the F are you talking about LoL WOW miss serious, well guess what if your that serious then right back at you wow sorry a simple silly fun hello blew your mind, i see you may just be the typical woman thats use to just hearing the same ole same ole lame asses spueing just what they think you wanna hear to get somewhere, well i say what i wamt ,, when i want and how i want to but i mean what i say when i say it so see you have me totaly wrong hope so dont be a typical woman and we will both be wrong hehe wink wink wow and i was just gonna say ?????? not now LoL wow now dont lame O theres enough lame ass serious people already , well hope the smiles are big and you and yours are all doing great

To use his succinct way of putting it, ??????

But since he's called me "miss serious" let's look at this seriously. He says what he wants, when he wants, how he wants. to. So he's portrayed himself just as he is - and he thinks I have him wrong?

I'm pretty sure I have him right - at least as far as being someone I'm not interested in exchanging further messages with. My only question now is - does The Snob want to take her red pen to that last message as well, or will doing so make her run the risk of genuine head explodey?>

#33 - I like my men like I like my espresso.

Short and sweet.

UpfrontRomeo: you throat??

TheSnob: My throat what?

UpfrontRomeo: do you deep throat

TheSnob: My throat is a fixed and unchanging depth.

UpfrontRomeo: lol

I have to admit, I like that he got a chuckle out of it at least.

#32 - Shake Those pixels for me, baby

Somehow, I have acquired a chatbot. It's an MSN chatbot that uses an automated script to attempt to lure me to some sort of site that, theoretically, is a camwhore site. Once every day or three it messages me; I've been amusing myself with diverting my responses into increasingly bizarre territory to see what kind of reaction I can spark from the script, and in the process learn what keywords trigger different things.

Today I discovered that writing in capslock gives no particular difference, but it doesn't like when you mention children in any context.


Cambot Juliet: I AM BACK!!!

The Snob: OMG I MISSED YOU SO MUCH WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!

Cambot Juliet: hey, hows it going?

The Snob: YOU WHORE HAV EYOU BEEN MESSING AROUND ON ME?!

Cambot Juliet: i'm 21/f your a male right?

The Snob: I'M A MALE IF YOU'RE A HUMAN

Cambot Juliet: nice, I just got off work and finally got some time to relax which site did i msg you from again?

The Snob: IT WASN'T A SITE, YOU MET ME IN THAT PLACE WITH THE THING AND I BOUGHT YOU THAT STUFF, YOU DUMB BITCH

Cambot Juliet: I know a way we can chat and have a better time.. do you cam?

The Snob: I CAM YOUR MOM EVERY NIGHT AT 1:43AM

Cambot Juliet: Well i don't do MSN cam or any other cam because i have been recorded before... But i do know one site you can watch me on cam, that assures me no one records..

The Snob: I RECORD YOU WITH A STYLUS TO THE INSIDE OF MY EYELIDS

Cambot Juliet: I mean... Do you want to see me on my cam?

The Snob: I WANT TO SEE YOU ON A ROMAN CROSS

Cambot Juliet: Ok go to [link redacted] accept the invite on the page baby

The Snob: HOOOKEEEERRRRRRRRRRR

Cambot Juliet: sweet, fill out the info ur info.. i can not wait for you to see me baby let me find something nice to wear

The Snob: HOW ABOUT MY ASS AS A HAT

Cambot Juliet: its the sites policy to ensure no minors get access to the site, so they might ask for CC to verify your age babe.

The Snob: THEY CAN HAVE MY CC AFTER THEY DL IT FROM MY CH, BIOTCH

Cambot Juliet: What color Panties do you think i should wear? i might have you favorite color here somewhere...

The Snob: YOU KNOW I LIKE YOU BEST IN THE FURRY CAVEMAN LOINCLOTH

Cambot Juliet: Your such a good boy, i'm gonna show you what good boys deserve.. you can tell me to do anything you want me to do!

The Snob: WASH MY MONKEY HELPER

Cambot Juliet: Ok let me know when you get in so I can invite you directly to my cam.

The Snob: I'M THERE JUST LIKE I'M A MILLIONAIRE

Cambot Juliet: u have to enter a cc, atm, or debit card so they can tell your of age, thats the ony way to see me sweety

The Snob: I TASTE SALTY AS A THOUSAND OCEANS

Cambot Juliet: k you in yet babe??

The Snob: I'M IN YOUR MOM

Cambot Juliet: -(

The Snob: SHE LIKES IT

Cambot Juliet: if anythign come check out my pics, theres no way you wont sign up after u see my sexy ass )

The Snob: I WILL FRY YOUR ASS ON MY GRILL AND SERVE IT TO THE NEIGHBOR CHILDREN

Cambot Juliet: Sorry just close the chat window

The Snob: I CAN'T CLOSE THE WINDOW I WOULD LOSE YOU FOREVER

Cambot Juliet: ok the site is [link redacted] tell me what u think, im puttin up some new pics right now

The Snob: DONKEY

Cambot Juliet: if you don't like me you can check out my girlfriends nice ass [link redacted]

The Snob: HAMMER

Cambot Juliet: So what girl do you want sign up its free also

The Snob: DR. HORRIBLE KNOWS WHERE YOU LIVE


Everyone fears Dr. Horrible. He has a Ph.D in Horribleness.

#31 - Are they even trying anymore?

Failed Romeo: heyas

Failed Romeo: i like your pix babe

The Snob: Hello. Thank you.

Failed Romeo: you are welcome

Failed Romeo: u like mine by chance?

The Snob: I haven't seen yours.

Failed Romeo: u have the body type that gets me hot. and great eyes to boot

The Snob: Thanks. I'm rather attached to all of it.

Failed Romeo: mm literally as well eh?

Failed Romeo: ha. well, if only i could be your tan boytoy

Failed Romeo: what are we wearing tonite? over that amazing chest

The Snob: A really huge baggy shirt.

Failed Romeo: so my hands could easily race under it to warmer places?

The Snob: Nnnno.

#30 - Sometimes they just don't know when to quit

lol 5'2 215 lbs.... wow...its funny how that the big one always try to act better then they really are online.. b/c real world they get treated like shit... now that is ir indeed female in the pic......... but i suspect ur 50 bald and work for the state... live in moms basement..lol have fun

---

I'm sure you feel exactly right in your assumptions.

Have a nice day.

I think this one likely bemuses me even more than his previous two messages (see entries #27 and #29), in part because I was mulling it over during commute, and figured that if he did write me back, it would be something almost exactly like this message.

Clearly, he either hadn't read my profile, or if he did, didn't read it well. Having failed in his (laughable) attempts at wooing, he needs to soothe his ego, and not having any real understanding of who I am or what matters to me, he's taken the scattershot approach at insulting. Failure, on all accounts.

Yes, I'm short. Yes, I'm chubby. I'm also decidedly healthy in spite of my weight; it's more a shape than it is any health detriment, and if anything, I feel lucky to be out of the hourglass shape of my youth - when it's a dealbreaker for someone, then that clearly indicates a lack of interest in anything beyond a brainless shiny.

I don't need to act better than I am... the plain truth is that, in interpersonal respects, I just happen to be better than him. I'm a happy person. I enjoy the world. And I like to express myself well. I don't get treated like shit in the real world - I have a great family, marvelous friends, and a quality work environment.

The pictures I have attached to any of my profiles are myself. I'm not 50, although I'm just as amused that he seems to find age insulting as weight. Personally, I've always been attracted to older men.

I'm puzzled by working for the state being an insult; I know quite a few people who do, and they lead comfortable lives, and have good security - especially important in the current economy, no?

I also know a few people who live with their parents - again, I am puzzled as to why this would be an insult. I am, in fact, a homeowner, but both my siblings moved home at one point or another, and I know quite a few people who have done the same. It's a familiar space, usually low rent or rent free, and allows one to build up a financial buffer and spend time with people close to them.

He's right about one thing at least. This was fun to break down and defuse.

#29 - This is not the Sub you are looking for.

The maestro of the English language found in #27 decided that my "no" apparently wasn't clear enough:

lol ok so lets try this again.................. whats your yahoo name>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> do u have working web cam???????????????
and are you drunk ................ rambling on............... or just spent 10 hrs trying to sounds like u have a brain... quite a huge amt of bullshit u spewed to skirt my direct question..cock or pussy?????????/

What would YOU do, boys and girls?

I did this:

Well gosh, let's take this last thing first:

"cock or pussy?????????/"

If you had actually read the "bullshit" I "spewed" you would have seen I answered your direct question. "I assure you that I am a real female, and moreover I have always been one."

And now that that critical piece of information is out of the way: I am not giving you my Yahoo name, nor any of my other messenger names. I do have a working webcam, not that it much matters, as you're never going to see any of the images that go through it.

I am not not drunk, nor was I drunk the first time that I answered the misspelled, poorly constructed, downright rude blurt that you considered an acceptable message to send to someone. Rather than rambling, I was offering a deconstruction of what it was about your initial message to me that was a complete turn-off.

This message, nearly a month later, is inexplicably worse. Even if it had taken me ten hours to sound like I have a brain, at least it did not take me three weeks to sound like a self-centered moron.

Clearly I am not what you are looking for here - I advise you to not waste your time nor my own by messaging me again.

I also advise you to practice the fine art of self-restraint, beginning with using one piece of punctuation at a time.