Wednesday, September 22, 2010

#38 - This is more like dating than you think

I received this message on Facebook; it's not a dating hit, but it screamed for a red-pen treatment.

I'm FRANK DENIS from kansas ....I am here to inform you a good news about the Lottery game that was play for you with your screenname from our computer.. because all Deaf and hearing email address is on our computer.. You are so lucky to win the sum of $200,000 thousand us dollar's from the Lottery game that was play for you.. reply back with your Full name and address now so that you can have your $200,000 cash. I am so happy for you once again. This is not a joke or fake. reply us back now so that you can have your $200,000 money cash from us right away as soon as we have your Full name and address from you.This is not fake or Joke . We are looking forward to hear from you soonest. Thanks Now you will have to fill the form so that the fedex man can deliver you your winning money to you in 24hrs time.....Pls try be Honest with Us God bless.

Full name......................
Full Home Address......
Your Age.......................
Date of birth...............
Married/Single...........
E-mail............................
Hotmail, Yahoo,Aol,Facebook.....
Txt number ..................................
T.mail.............................................





Well hello there Frank Denis from Kansas, I'm someone that you don't know at all, from a place you're utterly unaware of, you foolish spambot! Let me make a few recommendations to you for your future scheming. First of all? Pick a picture that is truly unrepresented elsewhere online. Take your cameraphone out and get a shot of a businessman on his coffeebreak at Starbucks if you have to, Frank.

It's got to be better than pulling an image from a fake encyclopedia entry, like so:
http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/index.php?title=Dungeons_%26_Dragons:_Real_Life_Edition/Character_Classes&diff=4185470&oldid=prev

That said, let me now offer to you - right now, for FREE! - some edits and suggestions for your message.

1) If you're making up a fake name and a fake picture, you might as well go whole hog and make up some sort of fake organization. "From kansas" (It's Kansas, by the way, with a capital K - no REAL organization would fail to capitalize a state) is so general. Are you from the state? The rock band? There's no way of knowing!

2) Can the ellipses. They're a very specific form of punctuation meant to indicate trailing off from the expressed form of thought to allow the reader to complete the thought of their own accord. This punctuation should really only be used in chatty, colloquial formats and the occasional super-accomplished novelist's later works. It has no place in your scam-attempt to send a professional letter.

3) "I am here to inform you a good news" - it should be "of good news."

4) "that was play for you" - should be "played for you" - tenses are very important. Moreover, maintenance of consistent tenses are absolutely vital.

5) "with your screenname from our computer.." Again, this is where creating a realistic-sounding bogus corporation would come in handy. Something officious yet forgettable - The Kansas Commission of Internet Gaming. Sounds great, doesn't it Frank? Totally fake. Go on google it.

I'll wait.

...you do know how to do a Google search, right Frank?

5a) .. is neither a period nor ellipsis, and therefore invalid as an attempt at punctuation. Moreover, it's in the middle of a sentence.

6) "because all Deaf and hearing email address is on our computer.." This - wow, Frank. This sentence is a doozy. Let me take it in sections.

6a) If the .. was meant to end the previous sentence, then "because" should be capitalized, or gotten rid of entirely. In fact, yes, throw out the because. It then becomes an actual, complete sentence.

6b) Deaf is in the middle of the sentence. It should not be capitalized.

6c) I am neither deaf nor hearing. If you are going to attempt to tailor your scam toward a particular subgroup of humanity, make sure the person or people you are targeting is a member of your target population.

6d) Unless you harbor the bizarre notion that all members of the deaf and hearing populations share a single email address, it should be pluralized to "email addresses."

6e) The Kansas Commission of Internet Gaming is a serious organization, Frank. Surely it has more than one computer for all its many imaginary employees.

7) "You are so lucky to win the sum of $200,000 thousand us dollar's from the Lottery game that was play for you"

7a) Unless this is a bizarre grammatical twist and The Kansas Commission of Internet Gaming has its own money, then you must mean US, or United States.

7b) "Dollar's" means that there is one dollar with ownership of something. You, on the other hand, are offering "dollars."

7c) If you have the dollar sign ($) preceding the number, you don't need to put "dollars" afterward.

7d) Unless the full amount you're offering is two hundred thousand thousands, you do not need to have "thousand" after the number.

7e) In short, it should be written as $200,000 USD.

7f) Again, Frank, I direct your attention to the importance of tenses. "was played for you."

8) "reply back with your Full name and address now so that you can have your $200,000 cash."

8a) Begin a sentence with a capital letter.

8b) Do not use a capital letter in the middle of a sentence.

8c) Winnings do not come as cash; even lump sums have to go through other units of monetary transaction.

9) "I am so happy for you once again." While the Kansas Commission of Internet Gaming is clearly a generous organization, it would express congratulations in a reserved manner; it is more in keeping with the event than false joy.

10) "This is not a joke or fake." Baaaaaahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Oh Frank. Frank, you're funny!

11) "reply us back now so that you can have your $200,000 money cash from us right away as soon as we have your Full name and address from you."

11a) Don't be pushy for information. As said the Queen in Hamlet- ...Hamlet. Shakespeare's Hamlet, Frank. It's a play. She said, "Methinks the lady doth protest too much." This is much the same - the more you demand information, the less viable your offer seems.

11b) Start a sentence with a capital.

11c) Again - not actually a cash offer, Frank.

11d) The $ indicates money, and therefore it is unnecessary to specify that the $200,000 is money.

11e) This should actually be two sentences, by inserting a period after "right away" and then capitalizing "as."

11f) "Full" is in the middle of the sentence and should not be capitalized.

11g) There should be a space following the period at the end of the sentence.

12) "This is not fake or joke ." Baaaaaahahahahahahahahahaha! Frank, you're killing me! Oh, oh! And I see, that is where that space escaped to.

13) "We are looking forward to hear from you soonest." Soonest? Are their other folks queueing up as prize-winners with The Kansas Commission of Internet Gaming? This sentence would be better ended with "soon" - it conveys a sense of both urgency and of singular winning.

14) "Thanks Now you will have to fill the form so that the fedex man can deliver you your winning money to you in 24hrs time....."

14a) "Thanks." It should have a period after it... and also, the single word is rather informal. The Kanses Commission of Internet Gaming would at least formalize its gratitude to a full "Thank you."

14b) Presumably the "form" referenced is the list of information requested beneath; you may do well to look into creating a more evenly spaced and laid-out list - perhaps one that utilizes the underscore rather than the period that you so insistently abuse.

14c) The fedex man? First of all, Frank, unlike The Kansas Commission of Internet Gaming, FedEx is a legitimate and hardworking company, and therefore should be afforded both respect of reference, and appropriate capitalized letters.

14d) It is highly unlikely that winnings would be awarded by general commercial courier at all, let alone within the span of a single day. Winnings of that size require much more extensive legal and financial paperwork, and ultimately is transferred in these modern times by electronic transfer rather than paper instruments.

14e) The... the period abuse. Oh Frank. Were you pelted with periods by unruly children on the playground?

15) "Pls try be Honest with Us God bless."

15a) The Kansas Commission of Internet Gaming does not use internet or texting shorthand. Please.

15b) Do not capitalize letters unnecessarily in the middle of the sentence!

15c) Keep god out of your scheming. Jerry Fallwell will get ticked.

15d) Don't demand honesty in the middle of a scam like this, Frank - the hypocrisy is just too, too awkward.

16) And then the form. We've already addressed your layout concerns above. That aside, the information asked is a mix of appropriate and wildly not so. The Kansas Commission of Internet Gaming has no need for your targeted prizewinner's Hotmail, Yahoo, AOL, Facebook, Texting, or Tmail information.

So there you have it, Frank! Hopefully these tips, tricks, and edits will be of use to you in the future, in building a cleaner, more concise, and above all more effective internet phishing scam.

Cheers!

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