Gosh, but this has been a banner month for these folks! There I was, poking around on a site, minding my own business, when I received an IM popup - nothing has been edited or cut out, with the exception of names. I even left in my typo and correction of it.
Enjoy.
[9:23:27 pm]HumorlessRomeo:I can smell your vagina
[9:25:13 pm]TheSnob:Bless your little heart, that's precious.
[9:25:18 pm]HumorlessRomeo:thanks
[9:25:37 pm]HumorlessRomeo:can you bless my little cock
[9:25:40 pm]HumorlessRomeo:that'd feel better
[9:26:05 pm]TheSnob:I'm afraid not; I am ordained in no recognize faith system.
[9:26:50 pm]HumorlessRomeo:alright can you suck it then
[9:27:12 pm]TheSnob:I could, but I won't.
[9:27:30 pm]TheSnob:The internet is a marvelous place, but they have yet to tackle fellatio via TCP/IP.
[9:27:30 pm]HumorlessRomeo:you can just have some fun and be a whore
[9:27:38 pm]HumorlessRomeo:verbally
[9:28:32 pm]TheSnob:Are you offering to pay me?
[9:28:37 pm]HumorlessRomeo:no
[9:28:43 pm]HumorlessRomeo:reaplace whore with slut
[9:28:47 pm]TheSnob:Well than that's not really whoring.
[9:29:44 pm]TheSnob:Did you know that "slut" is actually defined as "a dirty untidy woman" and has nothing inherently relevant to se?
[9:29:49 pm]TheSnob:...to sex?
[9:29:59 pm]HumorlessRomeo:sort of does in this case
[9:30:01 pm]HumorlessRomeo:talking "dirty"
[9:30:03 pm]HumorlessRomeo:go ahead
[9:30:06 pm]HumorlessRomeo:have a little fun
[9:30:12 pm]TheSnob:Hm....
[9:30:17 pm]TheSnob:Mud.
[9:30:23 pm]TheSnob:Grime.
[9:30:25 pm]TheSnob:Goop.
[9:30:33 pm]TheSnob:Sediment in fluid suspension.
[9:30:39 pm]TheSnob:Oooh, you're right - this IS fun!
[9:31:11 pm]HumorlessRomeo:what a dork
[9:32:30 pm]TheSnob:Oooh, that's a good one too. Dork is slang for penis, you see. As is cock. Which also means a male chicken.
[9:32:40 pm]TheSnob:....were you asking me to suck on a male chicken?
[9:32:50 pm]TheSnob:Because feathers are kinky, but that's just perverted.
[9:34:13 pm]HumorlessRomeo:you are annoying
[9:34:14 pm]HumorlessRomeo:good job
[9:34:35 pm]TheSnob:Thank you. I strive to excel.
11 minutes from "I smell your vagina" to "you are annoying" - I feel like this is some kind of world record!
13 minutes later he came back with ripping gem of insults, clearly designed to cut me to the core:
[9:47:56 pm]HumorlessRomeo:cunt
[9:48:47 pm]TheSnob:It's a word with rich and longstanding history. Did you know it actually was a medical term, as well as being used as both a noun and a verb the way we today use "fuck"?
[9:49:07 pm]HumorlessRomeo:really
[9:49:11 pm]HumorlessRomeo:go cunt yourself
[9:49:50 pm]TheSnob:Very good, just like that! Learning really is fun, isn't it??
[9:52:34 pm]HumorlessRomeo:dumb cunt
[9:53:13 pm]TheSnob:Dumb is a synonym for mute.
[9:53:49 pm]TheSnob:Vaginas the world over do tend to lack the power of speech... so yes, that's accurate as well.
[9:54:00 pm]HumorlessRomeo:stupid cunt
[9:54:48 pm]TheSnob:Stupid? In what way, I wonder?
[9:57:43 pm]HumorlessRomeo:stupid like a dumb cunt
[9:59:40 pm]TheSnob:Well, stupid is a marked lack in metal acuity, and irrelevant to a cunt with or without verbal ability, as that's not the anatomical location required for intelligence.
[10:00:13 pm]HumorlessRomeo:you sound like a computer
[10:00:18 pm]HumorlessRomeo:you probably don't even have a cunt
[10:00:38 pm]TheSnob:Not really; well, maybe yours might talk, but mine mostly just has a quiet fan hum.
[10:00:58 pm]TheSnob:Probably not. There aren't really any girls on the internet, you know.
[10:01:19 pm]HumorlessRomeo:you're definitely a gir l
[10:01:38 pm]TheSnob:But if that is the case, that then begs the question of what you thought you were sniffing after when you began this IM session in the first place.
[10:01:49 pm]HumorlessRomeo:exactly
[10:02:01 pm]HumorlessRomeo:I can smell your pussy from here
[10:02:25 pm]TheSnob:The one that you just presupposed that I don't have?
[10:02:37 pm]TheSnob:This is facinating. I have Schroedinger's Vagina!
[10:02:39 pm]HumorlessRomeo:exactly
[10:02:54 pm]HumorlessRomeo:I bet you write terrible poetry
[10:03:45 pm]TheSnob:Oh yes, it's rather horrific. Reaching epic, Vogon-like proportions when I really put my mind to it.
[10:07:38 pm]HumorlessRomeo:I bet
this is amazing! I love how you referenced Vogon poetry! You are my hero :-)
ReplyDeleteAfter reading the remainder of your posts I now feel rather bad for realizing I did not capitalize the first letter of my sentence. To be fair, it's usually because my keyboard sticks. I shall hang my head in shame.
ReplyDeleteYou got the Vogon poetry reference. You're totally absolved. ;)
ReplyDeleteTo clarify my ire at folks like the above, it's not the occasional typo or missed cap - it's the frequent, habitual lack of proper care in writing expression combined with, often, a really shitty attitude.
I understand completely.
ReplyDeleteI choked on my drink. That was brilliant. :3
ReplyDeleteI used to do a similar type of thing with people on those chats that would annoy the hell out of me, and become very literal and snarky, or see how gross I had to be before they would get fed up and leave, but you totally surpassed me there.
I laughed... during class... good thing it's online and my mic was muted. :) I highly doubt your poetry could be THAT bad. No human poetry could be that bad.
ReplyDelete