#42 - Life, The Universe, and How To Not Talk To Girls

My darlings, file this under "shitty ways to start a BDSM relationship."

SpankhappyRomeo: you need to be

 The Snob: I need to be what?

 SpankhappyRomeo: spanked

The Snob: Is that so?
The Snob: And what brings you to this supposition?

SpankhappyRomeo: you sis
SpankhappyRomeo: did

The Snob: How so?

SpankhappyRomeo: you are telling me now

The Snob: I'm pretty sure I'm not saying any such thing.
The Snob: Please support your hypothesis with evidence.

SpankhappyRomeo: you would have clicked block by now if i was wrong

The Snob: You assume so.

SpankhappyRomeo: you are proving me correct

The Snob: Not really, no.

SpankhappyRomeo: then go away and don't reply

The Snob: *patpat* have fun trying to play dom. I hope it works out for you some day. 

SpankhappyRomeo: you replied
SpankhappyRomeo: why?

The Snob: See, here's the thing about how a dynamic of domination/submission works properly: the sub has to actually give over the power of choice and direction to the dom. You can't presume submission. You can't assume intention that isn't stated.
The Snob: All that you accomplish with that manner of approach is getting unsatisfactory subs who don't really understand what they want, or pissing up the subs who DO know what they want. 

SpankhappyRomeo: you apparently have a rule structure that needs to be followed
SpankhappyRomeo: how has that worked for you?

The Snob: Quite well, actually. I've negotiated several quite satisfying relationships with folks who understand and respect boundaries and limitations.

SpankhappyRomeo: and i was right

The Snob: So has this been working for you?

SpankhappyRomeo: you have so far been a waste of time

The Snob: Only because you lack the self control to step away or the awareness to recognize the value of mutually negotiated boundaries.

SpankhappyRomeo: ah
SpankhappyRomeo: nope

The Snob: Yup.

SpankhappyRomeo: as you wish
SpankhappyRomeo: you apparently know everything

The Snob: No, I don't know everything. But I know what works for me, and also what is a generally accepted structure for the negotiation of a trusting kink-friendly relationship.

SpankhappyRomeo: yeah
SpankhappyRomeo: whatever

The Snob: I wish you the best of luck in finding what you seek.

SpankhappyRomeo: no, you don't

The Snob: Yes, I do.

SpankhappyRomeo: yeah

The Snob: You're not going to find it with me, and that's okay.

#41 - I LOVE the smell of rape culture in the morning!

ChildishRomeo: Hi baby

TheSnob: Why are you calling me baby?

ChildishRomeo: Because your hot

TheSnob: My hot what?

ChildishRomeo: U no your sexy

TheSnob: What? My sexy what?

ChildishRomeo: Your holy
ChildishRomeo: Your hole body is hot

TheSnob: I'm not a hole. I have a body of substance.

ChildishRomeo: Can we exchange dirty pics pls
ChildishRomeo: Pls
ChildishRomeo: Pls

TheSnob: Sure, I'll start.

ChildishRomeo: Okay
ChildishRomeo: Go
ChildishRomeo: Go

*picture sent - a handful of dry dirt and pebbles on a cement patio*

*picture received in return - frothy ribbon-thin waterfall in a desert landscape*

ChildishRomeo: Not thes kind of pics no
ChildishRomeo: Like dirty picks of u

TheSnob: But you said dirty!

ChildishRomeo: And then I will send some of me pls

TheSnob: Dirt all over that patio - soooooo filthy!

ChildishRomeo: Haha lol but pls pics of u and thin I will send pics of me pls

TheSnob: I have pictures of myself in my albums.

ChildishRomeo: Hal bout dirty pics of your self com on thin I will send you some of mine

TheSnob: What makes you think I want pictures of you?

ChildishRomeo: What makes me whant pics of u pls

TheSnob: Like I said, there are pictures of me in my albums.

ChildishRomeo: Pls can we pls exchange sexule pics been up all nite wating for people to chat with me pls

TheSnob: Why didn't you sleep?

ChildishRomeo: I. Was wating

TheSnob: I am not interested in exchanging sexual pics with you.

ChildishRomeo: Pls pls

The Snob: No means no, boyo.

ChildishRomeo: Just for a little while thin I will leav u alone plsplsplspls plsplsplspls

TheSnob: So do you do this offline too?

ChildishRomeo: How can I do this offline
ChildishRomeo: But really plsplsplspls
ChildishRomeo: Just a litt while
ChildishRomeo: Pls
ChildishRomeo: Pls I will start pls plsplsplsplsplsplaplslslaplslalsls

TheSnob: Ask women for things they don't want to give you and then when they say no, beg and pester and plead and whine like a little selfish boy whose mummy has denied him a lolly, trying to wear her down until she is worn out and gives in?
TheSnob: Because you don't give a damn about what makes that woman who she is. You're just interested in, as you accidentally poetically put it, her "hole body."
TheSnob: I said no, I meant no.
TheSnob: Go take a nap.

ChildishRomeo: Pls do you know iny body I can to
ChildishRomeo: Pla
ChildishRomeo: Pls

TheSnob: Try maybe a dating site slightly more geared for this kind of crap... but with your harassment-cum-rapist methodology, I'd really recommend you just watch some porn.

ChildishRomeo: I did and dating site it cost pls can we exchange oooo pla

TheSnob: No

ChildishRomeo: Pls
ChildishRomeo: Plssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

TheSnob: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo (since you're routinely dropping vowels, I'll use them)

ChildishRomeo: Plsssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss pls I will leavu alone

TheSnob: How about we just skip right to that last part?

ChildishRomeo: Pls just for a little while pls pls pls

TheSnob: Not for a little while, not now, not ever, not at all.

ChildishRomeo: Pls thin I promis I will leav you al

TheSnob: Leave me alone now.

ChildishRomeo: Pls

TheSnob: No.

ChildishRomeo: Pls

TheSnob: No.

ChildishRomeo: Pls

TheSnob: No.

ChildishRomeo: I promise I will leav you alone forever for jurist a l
ChildishRomeo: Inte while pls pls
ChildishRomeo: Pls thin I will leav u alone pls plspllsplsplaplaplplsplspl

TheSnob: How about you leave me alone forever in exchange for not block/reporting AND setting the dogs of Internet war on your crude, boring, harassy/rapey ignorant self?

ChildishRomeo: Why
ChildishRomeo: Okay I will leave u alone
ChildishRomeo: If u tell me someone I can chat with pls

TheSnob: I'd suggest perhaps a therapist.

ChildishRomeo: Pls

TheSnob: Yes, please, therapy. And also perhaps apologize to your mother for the flaming disrespect you have for women.

ChildishRomeo: Com on pls

TheSnob: What makes you think there is any chance I'd change my mind?

ChildishRomeo: Pls I'm about. To leav


Clearly that was something I couldn't resist - I shut the hell up and, thankfully, he went away.

#40 - Short, but.... no, not even sweet.

Forthright Romeo: hi hon,,have webcam to have some fun pls? horny?
The Snob: Wow, hi. NO.

Notice the silence that came after that? Behold, my darlings, the power of NO!

#39 - When the First Scam Fails, Scam Scam again!

I tell you, lasses and laddies - I give Mr. Frank Deins points for persistence. After our initial exchange, I thought perhaps he had taken some time to rest, reflect, and repent... or at least give the Diana Hacker manual of style a quick once-over.

Clearly, I was mistaken, because two days later:


Frank Deins
HEY.........THIS IS REAL OKAY


My goodness! Whatever was I thinking before? Clearly, now I must be convinced by his astute skills of persuasion. Or...



While I do appreciate your effort to make up for your earlier capitalization missteps by locking your caps, it actually manages to make even less a favorable statement than your first missive. All caps, you see, is referred to colloquially upon the internet as "Cruz Ctrls 4 Kewl" - a mockery meaning that, in actuality, it is quite far from cool.

Instead, as no doubt would be in keeping with the professional communications style guide for The Kansas Commission of Internet Gaming, I suggest that you only capitalize the initial letter of any given sentence as is the grammatical standard. Likewise, avoid beginning any of your communique's with such casual interjections as "hey" - do consider "dude" or "yo" to be equally right out.

And the ellipses - for the love of god, think of the ellipses! They must have tiny elliptical children to feed and clothe and watch over. The abuse stops with you!

Cheers!


But did the abuse stop with him? I cherished the hope! But after the passage of four more days:


hey.....am not here to play games nor joke......you just have to give me your full name and your home address so that the fedex man can come to your house and deliver your your money at your door step okay

Alas and alack. If only some of the caps from his previous message had made their way into this one. (Is there a wrestler called FedEx Man, yet? Their should be. Think of the lucrative tie-in deals! Not to mention all the opportunities for great taunt lines like "This is one dangerous package you WON'T want to sign for!")

Don't look at me like that. This IS my hobby, remember?


Can you also have him bring me a pony and a plastic rocket?


I think it's probably beyond hope that our darling Mr. Deins is a browncoat... we shall see. Or not. *holds breath*

#38 - This is more like dating than you think

I received this message on Facebook; it's not a dating hit, but it screamed for a red-pen treatment.

I'm FRANK DENIS from kansas ....I am here to inform you a good news about the Lottery game that was play for you with your screenname from our computer.. because all Deaf and hearing email address is on our computer.. You are so lucky to win the sum of $200,000 thousand us dollar's from the Lottery game that was play for you.. reply back with your Full name and address now so that you can have your $200,000 cash. I am so happy for you once again. This is not a joke or fake. reply us back now so that you can have your $200,000 money cash from us right away as soon as we have your Full name and address from you.This is not fake or Joke . We are looking forward to hear from you soonest. Thanks Now you will have to fill the form so that the fedex man can deliver you your winning money to you in 24hrs time.....Pls try be Honest with Us God bless.

Full name......................
Full Home Address......
Your Age.......................
Date of birth...............
Married/Single...........
E-mail............................
Hotmail, Yahoo,Aol,Facebook.....
Txt number ..................................
T.mail.............................................





Well hello there Frank Denis from Kansas, I'm someone that you don't know at all, from a place you're utterly unaware of, you foolish spambot! Let me make a few recommendations to you for your future scheming. First of all? Pick a picture that is truly unrepresented elsewhere online. Take your cameraphone out and get a shot of a businessman on his coffeebreak at Starbucks if you have to, Frank.

It's got to be better than pulling an image from a fake encyclopedia entry, like so:
http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/index.php?title=Dungeons_%26_Dragons:_Real_Life_Edition/Character_Classes&diff=4185470&oldid=prev

That said, let me now offer to you - right now, for FREE! - some edits and suggestions for your message.

1) If you're making up a fake name and a fake picture, you might as well go whole hog and make up some sort of fake organization. "From kansas" (It's Kansas, by the way, with a capital K - no REAL organization would fail to capitalize a state) is so general. Are you from the state? The rock band? There's no way of knowing!

2) Can the ellipses. They're a very specific form of punctuation meant to indicate trailing off from the expressed form of thought to allow the reader to complete the thought of their own accord. This punctuation should really only be used in chatty, colloquial formats and the occasional super-accomplished novelist's later works. It has no place in your scam-attempt to send a professional letter.

3) "I am here to inform you a good news" - it should be "of good news."

4) "that was play for you" - should be "played for you" - tenses are very important. Moreover, maintenance of consistent tenses are absolutely vital.

5) "with your screenname from our computer.." Again, this is where creating a realistic-sounding bogus corporation would come in handy. Something officious yet forgettable - The Kansas Commission of Internet Gaming. Sounds great, doesn't it Frank? Totally fake. Go on google it.

I'll wait.

...you do know how to do a Google search, right Frank?

5a) .. is neither a period nor ellipsis, and therefore invalid as an attempt at punctuation. Moreover, it's in the middle of a sentence.

6) "because all Deaf and hearing email address is on our computer.." This - wow, Frank. This sentence is a doozy. Let me take it in sections.

6a) If the .. was meant to end the previous sentence, then "because" should be capitalized, or gotten rid of entirely. In fact, yes, throw out the because. It then becomes an actual, complete sentence.

6b) Deaf is in the middle of the sentence. It should not be capitalized.

6c) I am neither deaf nor hearing. If you are going to attempt to tailor your scam toward a particular subgroup of humanity, make sure the person or people you are targeting is a member of your target population.

6d) Unless you harbor the bizarre notion that all members of the deaf and hearing populations share a single email address, it should be pluralized to "email addresses."

6e) The Kansas Commission of Internet Gaming is a serious organization, Frank. Surely it has more than one computer for all its many imaginary employees.

7) "You are so lucky to win the sum of $200,000 thousand us dollar's from the Lottery game that was play for you"

7a) Unless this is a bizarre grammatical twist and The Kansas Commission of Internet Gaming has its own money, then you must mean US, or United States.

7b) "Dollar's" means that there is one dollar with ownership of something. You, on the other hand, are offering "dollars."

7c) If you have the dollar sign ($) preceding the number, you don't need to put "dollars" afterward.

7d) Unless the full amount you're offering is two hundred thousand thousands, you do not need to have "thousand" after the number.

7e) In short, it should be written as $200,000 USD.

7f) Again, Frank, I direct your attention to the importance of tenses. "was played for you."

8) "reply back with your Full name and address now so that you can have your $200,000 cash."

8a) Begin a sentence with a capital letter.

8b) Do not use a capital letter in the middle of a sentence.

8c) Winnings do not come as cash; even lump sums have to go through other units of monetary transaction.

9) "I am so happy for you once again." While the Kansas Commission of Internet Gaming is clearly a generous organization, it would express congratulations in a reserved manner; it is more in keeping with the event than false joy.

10) "This is not a joke or fake." Baaaaaahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Oh Frank. Frank, you're funny!

11) "reply us back now so that you can have your $200,000 money cash from us right away as soon as we have your Full name and address from you."

11a) Don't be pushy for information. As said the Queen in Hamlet- ...Hamlet. Shakespeare's Hamlet, Frank. It's a play. She said, "Methinks the lady doth protest too much." This is much the same - the more you demand information, the less viable your offer seems.

11b) Start a sentence with a capital.

11c) Again - not actually a cash offer, Frank.

11d) The $ indicates money, and therefore it is unnecessary to specify that the $200,000 is money.

11e) This should actually be two sentences, by inserting a period after "right away" and then capitalizing "as."

11f) "Full" is in the middle of the sentence and should not be capitalized.

11g) There should be a space following the period at the end of the sentence.

12) "This is not fake or joke ." Baaaaaahahahahahahahahahaha! Frank, you're killing me! Oh, oh! And I see, that is where that space escaped to.

13) "We are looking forward to hear from you soonest." Soonest? Are their other folks queueing up as prize-winners with The Kansas Commission of Internet Gaming? This sentence would be better ended with "soon" - it conveys a sense of both urgency and of singular winning.

14) "Thanks Now you will have to fill the form so that the fedex man can deliver you your winning money to you in 24hrs time....."

14a) "Thanks." It should have a period after it... and also, the single word is rather informal. The Kanses Commission of Internet Gaming would at least formalize its gratitude to a full "Thank you."

14b) Presumably the "form" referenced is the list of information requested beneath; you may do well to look into creating a more evenly spaced and laid-out list - perhaps one that utilizes the underscore rather than the period that you so insistently abuse.

14c) The fedex man? First of all, Frank, unlike The Kansas Commission of Internet Gaming, FedEx is a legitimate and hardworking company, and therefore should be afforded both respect of reference, and appropriate capitalized letters.

14d) It is highly unlikely that winnings would be awarded by general commercial courier at all, let alone within the span of a single day. Winnings of that size require much more extensive legal and financial paperwork, and ultimately is transferred in these modern times by electronic transfer rather than paper instruments.

14e) The... the period abuse. Oh Frank. Were you pelted with periods by unruly children on the playground?

15) "Pls try be Honest with Us God bless."

15a) The Kansas Commission of Internet Gaming does not use internet or texting shorthand. Please.

15b) Do not capitalize letters unnecessarily in the middle of the sentence!

15c) Keep god out of your scheming. Jerry Fallwell will get ticked.

15d) Don't demand honesty in the middle of a scam like this, Frank - the hypocrisy is just too, too awkward.

16) And then the form. We've already addressed your layout concerns above. That aside, the information asked is a mix of appropriate and wildly not so. The Kansas Commission of Internet Gaming has no need for your targeted prizewinner's Hotmail, Yahoo, AOL, Facebook, Texting, or Tmail information.

So there you have it, Frank! Hopefully these tips, tricks, and edits will be of use to you in the future, in building a cleaner, more concise, and above all more effective internet phishing scam.

Cheers!

#37 - Coming On To The Void

Remember this guy?

Well, despite that rather massive flounce, he keeps messaging your favorite snob. I'm not sure if he just mass-messages all the women fitting a certain set of criteria, or if he's poking the bear, or if he's really just that DUMB... but on a weekly basis (usually Thursday or Friday, which leads me to think he's looking for some cheap and easy weekend, er.... companionship) I get a message from him.

Despite our earlier exchange.

Despite the fact that I don't reply.

Following the messages in the blogpost I've linked in the initial sentence above, I have received the following... bewilderingly cheerful messages.

WOW so you are that serious too bad, well good news for you is there are lots and lots a lame ass fucks on here that will say just what you wanna hear to try and get something so good luck in that pool lame assness take care and be awesome my fellow NYer AKA the typical woman and dont worry ill not say hello again sexy lady

If only he had kept his promise! Slightly less than a month later,

Hello again pretty soft fluffy baby girl hope the sun is shinieing on you and all is good, tickle pinch spank and take care sexy lady

Okay, let's red-pen this really quickly:

1) You promised you would not say hello again, and then began with "hello again" - that's just a fail on general logic and follow-through, right there.

2) There should be a period after "girl."

3) ...after which "hope" should be capitalized.

4) The sun would be "shining" without any extraneous e's.

5) The comma after "good" should be a period.

6) ...after which "tickle" should be capitalized.

7) Presuming the series "tickle pinch spank" to be emotive, they should be set apart as such with a change in font or delineating bracketing marks - perhaps putting them in italics or surrounding them *with asterisks* which are two of the most common conventions.

8) The series should be comma-delimited.

9) There should be a period after "lady."

And that doesn't even TOUCH content (and I don't know if I want to - it's already so disturbingly touchy-feely on its own) - the same drek which continues through his next message, 5 days later:

Hello again you sexy soft baby girl, cyber bottom of the butt cheek spanks and hi hi'sss to you my fellow NYer , hope all is good and the smiles many, now say hello again you little wet fluffy baby girl id like that lots, now wheres my hello sexy lady, tickle hug pinch and take care

10 days after that:

Hello hello again you soft little fluffy baby girl now say hello again you mean eeeeeee, Happy TGIF and holiday weekend to you my fellow NYer hope all is good and the smiles big, tickle hug hi hi'sss to you and take care

6 days later:

Hey hey hello hello there my fellow NYer, hows you doing soft little nawty girl hope all is good and the smiles are big yes yes now say hello again its your turn nawty little girl so do it already miss i wanna spank you a pretty shade a pink and kiss you all over, cyber hiinie kiss'es nipple twist and hugs and be awesome

And 6 more days:

Hello hello hello , cyber hinnie spanks and hugs hi hi'sss to you soft sexy nawty little fluffy baby girl , happy Hump Day to you my friend hope the day is going good for you and yours and all is great, now im guessing you know what time it is ??? yes yes its your turn to say hello back little soft girl so do it and see what i say back hehe wink wink , take care little miss wet and wild and be awesome , hard tummy kiss'es clit spanks and butt pinches to you

As I say: bewildering. Amusing. And really, rather depressing that after flouncing the way he did, he not only came back, but with consistently rude, presumptive, overtly forward and poorly written messages like this - without getting any response to any of them. No encouragement. Only silence.

I'm tempted to make this guy an incidental regular on the blog and red-pen for the sake of my blood pressure, and to amuse you for as long as he keeps it up.

#36 - Do You Even Know What A "Petard" is?

I am always a bit leery when I get messaged by someone whose match percentage doesn't reach a particular lower threshold - it almost always ends badly. Not only did this gent not reach the lower threshold, he didn't even hit the 50% mark.

Naturally, I was skeptical.



Mismatched Romeo: hi

The Snob: Hello.

Mismatched Romeo: how are you tonight

The Snob: Fine, thank you.

Mismatched Romeo: cool
Mismatched Romeo: what are you up too

The Snob: Tooling around on the internet, mostly.

Mismatched Romeo: lol i hear ya i am bored myself wish i have you around me lol

The Snob: Why would you wish that? I might be awfully dull. Or violent!
The Snob: Or both. Dull AND violent. That would be a neat trick, actually.

Mismatched Romeo: i think you are pretty sweet , if you ask me lol

The Snob: I can be pretty rude.

Mismatched Romeo: so do i but i have no reason to be all i am lookin is a good time not to be an aswhole lol

The Snob: What are you looking for, exactly?

Mismatched Romeo: as right now more of a friends whit benefits

The Snob: And what prompted you to message me in that respect?

Mismatched Romeo: nothing prompted me just was wonder what are you up too cause in your profile says that you are looking for casual sex
Mismatched Romeo: thats all

The Snob: Oh, that. Yeah, I find my definition of casual sex isn't quite in line with everyone else's.
The Snob: So if that's all that brought you in, then I thank you for your interest and conversation, but I don't want to waste your time.

Mismatched Romeo: ok have nice day lol

The Snob: You too!



Hah! You thought this was going to be a disaster, didn't you? So did I. Turns out, even the Snob can have her own expectations overturned. Keep communication clear, folks, and sometimes people really will pleasantly surprise you!

(I think "aswhole" is my new favorite misspelling ever.)

#35 - Where did I leave my telescoping crop?

CowboyRomeo: hey sexy

TheSnob: Hello.

CowboyRomeo: just think ur very sexy babe

TheSnob: Thank you.

CowboyRomeo: are u in to younger guys

TheSnob: I haven't dated a younger guy since high school, so I really don't know.

CowboyRomeo: o ok do u have a web cam

TheSnob: Yup, it's integrated into my machine.

CowboyRomeo: sweet are u into having a lil fun

TheSnob: I am having fun.

CowboyRomeo: wow wht u doin

TheSnob: Playing World of Warcraft.

CowboyRomeo: ok thats sounds fun but im funner then tht... lol

The Snob: I dunno. In World of Warcraft I can fly in a zeppelin.

CowboyRomeo: well i can make u feel like ur flyin, and feel like ur riding a stallion

TheSnob: Do you have a stable of horses?

CowboyRomeo: something like that

TheSnob: That must be a lot of work. I hear horses are very expensive. Did you know they sleep standing up?

CowboyRomeo: yup...

...at which point our intrepid rancher seemed to have lost interest, which is just as well for yours truly, dear reader: The Snob had a Vile Priestess and her minions to slay.

#34 - Lame-o. Like Steve-O. In the Dairy-O. ...E-I-E-I-O?

So among the several sites The Snob has a profile on, there are a few that let you select from a pre-written radio-buttoned list of likes and dislikes, ranging from hobbies to hard kinks; they also tend to let you put down your level of interest and experience. The idea, I suppose, is to let you find people with the characteristics and interest you yourself find interesting, as well as to give you a very general idea of what you're looking at when you're reading a person's profile. I think of them as being sort of like the meta-tags on the Amazon listing for a book, while the overall profile is sort of the book blurb - the person themselves being the story in the book that you get to know. I know, the analogy's getting a bit thin, and I digress.

Another use of these lists is that they give someone an easy lead-in for something to talk about when they message someone else, particularly if you find they have strong interests in something that strike an intriguing chord. Hence, this message I recently received.

loves singing, spankings, bondage and curious about fisting wow you sound cool, now say hello and see what happens next , either way a hello or not take care and be awesome

I know, I know - run on sentence, no ending punctuation, and nary a capital letter in sight. But I was in an affable mood, I suppose, and therefore responded:

*chuckle* Well hello there.

Then there wasn't a peep out of him for a day or three, and I (mistakenly) assumed that lack of immediate and equally expressed interest in his own kinks made him veer of in favor of more suitable conversation. Like with someone who doesn't know a semi-colon from a semi truck.

Boy, was I wrong.

Happy hump day my little nawty soft fellow [state redacted]er., cyber hinnie spanks and inner thigh kiss'es hi hi'sss to you, so hows it going there little miss i need a good hinnie spanking and teaseing, yes yes ill just bet you do hehe wink wink, well here a few answering ebay emails and saying hello to you so say it back you sexy fucker, have a great rest of the week and take care, hard butt cheek kiss'es, inner thigh pinches and hugs hi hi'sss to you and take care sweet cheeks

Are you stunned and a bit flabberghasted? I was. Let us take this in parts, shall we?
1. It's one sentence. Let me say that again. IT'S ONE SENTENCE. And yet it isn't, exactly, because it doesn't even have any sort of hardstop punctuation at the end.
2. I was going to take the misspellings as they came, but lets get it over with and just list them all in order:
nawty / naughty
hinnie / hiney x2
kiss'es / kisses x2
hi hi'sss / hi his (Are we a snake? Seriously now.) x2
teaseing / teasing
ill / I'll
hehe / heh heh
One thing I can say for him, at least when he misspells something he does it with consistency.
3. Soft? I know at least one person that can vouch for my inadvertently pointy portions, despite how I've theoretically developed a fairly thorough all-over padding.
4. Of the greetings offered, only the "hi hi"s are really appropriate for someone to whom he's sent one message, regardless of the site that he's on or the lewdity of the day popping up in the sidebar ads. After meeting someone once in real life and getting the barest, albeit positive, greeting in return, does one have the freedom to greet them with groping and oral contact upon their intimate areas without so much as a by-your-leave? Why no. No one does not. How the hell do they think that's appropriate in a venue in which presumably they are seeking to actually make a positive connection which COULD lead to such consensual touching? Cart. Horse. Interstate highway in between.
5. "Little Miss I-Need-A-Good-Hiney-Spanking-And-Teasing" (punctuation and caps mine (obviously) because I couldn't stand writing out his misspellings again) - Forgetting entirely how we SO are not into the stage of a relationship wherein one can give the other a cutsey/naughty nickname, how could he possibly assume I'm in need of a spanking or a tease? He'd only JUST asked how it was going. Give a girl a chance to respond? Maybe I need a cuddle and a chocolate bar. Maybe I need a vicious whipping and some sensory deprivation. YOU don't know.
6. I fear for the level of service people are getting dealing with this man on eBay. I really do.
7. I know you're saying hello to me. How could I have missed it? Trust me, you aren't smooth. Or suave. Or anything remotely resembling subtle.
8. "...so say it back you sexy fucker..." Oh gosh. You called me a sexy fucker. Take me now, and let us not even quibble a moment on you presuming the right to tell me what to do!
9. At least he, uh, was upbeat. Wishing me a nice week and all. Because how could it NOT be, with a sweet and tender missive like his smack dab in the middle of it?
10. But cheek kisses, inner thigh pinches, and hugs? Please see #4, substituting farewells for greetings.
11. Sweet cheeks? See #5, regarding the stage of nicknaming. Which even after all this, we somehow are not in.

I didn't send him the above though; that's here only. I was tired, and cranky, and I suppose therefore a little off my game, because all he got was:

Are....are you drunk or something? Because I cannot for the life of me think of a reason for you to presume it's okay to talk about kissing or pinching or touching any part of me. You are not a lover. You are not even a friend, and if you're that free and easy with strangers, then I don't think I am the woman you're looking for.

Apparently I was not clear.

What the F are you talking about LoL WOW miss serious, well guess what if your that serious then right back at you wow sorry a simple silly fun hello blew your mind, i see you may just be the typical woman thats use to just hearing the same ole same ole lame asses spueing just what they think you wanna hear to get somewhere, well i say what i wamt ,, when i want and how i want to but i mean what i say when i say it so see you have me totaly wrong hope so dont be a typical woman and we will both be wrong hehe wink wink wow and i was just gonna say ?????? not now LoL wow now dont lame O theres enough lame ass serious people already , well hope the smiles are big and you and yours are all doing great

To use his succinct way of putting it, ??????

But since he's called me "miss serious" let's look at this seriously. He says what he wants, when he wants, how he wants. to. So he's portrayed himself just as he is - and he thinks I have him wrong?

I'm pretty sure I have him right - at least as far as being someone I'm not interested in exchanging further messages with. My only question now is - does The Snob want to take her red pen to that last message as well, or will doing so make her run the risk of genuine head explodey?>

#33 - I like my men like I like my espresso.

Short and sweet.

UpfrontRomeo: you throat??

TheSnob: My throat what?

UpfrontRomeo: do you deep throat

TheSnob: My throat is a fixed and unchanging depth.

UpfrontRomeo: lol

I have to admit, I like that he got a chuckle out of it at least.

#32 - Shake Those pixels for me, baby

Somehow, I have acquired a chatbot. It's an MSN chatbot that uses an automated script to attempt to lure me to some sort of site that, theoretically, is a camwhore site. Once every day or three it messages me; I've been amusing myself with diverting my responses into increasingly bizarre territory to see what kind of reaction I can spark from the script, and in the process learn what keywords trigger different things.

Today I discovered that writing in capslock gives no particular difference, but it doesn't like when you mention children in any context.


Cambot Juliet: I AM BACK!!!

The Snob: OMG I MISSED YOU SO MUCH WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!

Cambot Juliet: hey, hows it going?

The Snob: YOU WHORE HAV EYOU BEEN MESSING AROUND ON ME?!

Cambot Juliet: i'm 21/f your a male right?

The Snob: I'M A MALE IF YOU'RE A HUMAN

Cambot Juliet: nice, I just got off work and finally got some time to relax which site did i msg you from again?

The Snob: IT WASN'T A SITE, YOU MET ME IN THAT PLACE WITH THE THING AND I BOUGHT YOU THAT STUFF, YOU DUMB BITCH

Cambot Juliet: I know a way we can chat and have a better time.. do you cam?

The Snob: I CAM YOUR MOM EVERY NIGHT AT 1:43AM

Cambot Juliet: Well i don't do MSN cam or any other cam because i have been recorded before... But i do know one site you can watch me on cam, that assures me no one records..

The Snob: I RECORD YOU WITH A STYLUS TO THE INSIDE OF MY EYELIDS

Cambot Juliet: I mean... Do you want to see me on my cam?

The Snob: I WANT TO SEE YOU ON A ROMAN CROSS

Cambot Juliet: Ok go to [link redacted] accept the invite on the page baby

The Snob: HOOOKEEEERRRRRRRRRRR

Cambot Juliet: sweet, fill out the info ur info.. i can not wait for you to see me baby let me find something nice to wear

The Snob: HOW ABOUT MY ASS AS A HAT

Cambot Juliet: its the sites policy to ensure no minors get access to the site, so they might ask for CC to verify your age babe.

The Snob: THEY CAN HAVE MY CC AFTER THEY DL IT FROM MY CH, BIOTCH

Cambot Juliet: What color Panties do you think i should wear? i might have you favorite color here somewhere...

The Snob: YOU KNOW I LIKE YOU BEST IN THE FURRY CAVEMAN LOINCLOTH

Cambot Juliet: Your such a good boy, i'm gonna show you what good boys deserve.. you can tell me to do anything you want me to do!

The Snob: WASH MY MONKEY HELPER

Cambot Juliet: Ok let me know when you get in so I can invite you directly to my cam.

The Snob: I'M THERE JUST LIKE I'M A MILLIONAIRE

Cambot Juliet: u have to enter a cc, atm, or debit card so they can tell your of age, thats the ony way to see me sweety

The Snob: I TASTE SALTY AS A THOUSAND OCEANS

Cambot Juliet: k you in yet babe??

The Snob: I'M IN YOUR MOM

Cambot Juliet: -(

The Snob: SHE LIKES IT

Cambot Juliet: if anythign come check out my pics, theres no way you wont sign up after u see my sexy ass )

The Snob: I WILL FRY YOUR ASS ON MY GRILL AND SERVE IT TO THE NEIGHBOR CHILDREN

Cambot Juliet: Sorry just close the chat window

The Snob: I CAN'T CLOSE THE WINDOW I WOULD LOSE YOU FOREVER

Cambot Juliet: ok the site is [link redacted] tell me what u think, im puttin up some new pics right now

The Snob: DONKEY

Cambot Juliet: if you don't like me you can check out my girlfriends nice ass [link redacted]

The Snob: HAMMER

Cambot Juliet: So what girl do you want sign up its free also

The Snob: DR. HORRIBLE KNOWS WHERE YOU LIVE


Everyone fears Dr. Horrible. He has a Ph.D in Horribleness.

#31 - Are they even trying anymore?

Failed Romeo: heyas

Failed Romeo: i like your pix babe

The Snob: Hello. Thank you.

Failed Romeo: you are welcome

Failed Romeo: u like mine by chance?

The Snob: I haven't seen yours.

Failed Romeo: u have the body type that gets me hot. and great eyes to boot

The Snob: Thanks. I'm rather attached to all of it.

Failed Romeo: mm literally as well eh?

Failed Romeo: ha. well, if only i could be your tan boytoy

Failed Romeo: what are we wearing tonite? over that amazing chest

The Snob: A really huge baggy shirt.

Failed Romeo: so my hands could easily race under it to warmer places?

The Snob: Nnnno.

#30 - Sometimes they just don't know when to quit

lol 5'2 215 lbs.... wow...its funny how that the big one always try to act better then they really are online.. b/c real world they get treated like shit... now that is ir indeed female in the pic......... but i suspect ur 50 bald and work for the state... live in moms basement..lol have fun

---

I'm sure you feel exactly right in your assumptions.

Have a nice day.

I think this one likely bemuses me even more than his previous two messages (see entries #27 and #29), in part because I was mulling it over during commute, and figured that if he did write me back, it would be something almost exactly like this message.

Clearly, he either hadn't read my profile, or if he did, didn't read it well. Having failed in his (laughable) attempts at wooing, he needs to soothe his ego, and not having any real understanding of who I am or what matters to me, he's taken the scattershot approach at insulting. Failure, on all accounts.

Yes, I'm short. Yes, I'm chubby. I'm also decidedly healthy in spite of my weight; it's more a shape than it is any health detriment, and if anything, I feel lucky to be out of the hourglass shape of my youth - when it's a dealbreaker for someone, then that clearly indicates a lack of interest in anything beyond a brainless shiny.

I don't need to act better than I am... the plain truth is that, in interpersonal respects, I just happen to be better than him. I'm a happy person. I enjoy the world. And I like to express myself well. I don't get treated like shit in the real world - I have a great family, marvelous friends, and a quality work environment.

The pictures I have attached to any of my profiles are myself. I'm not 50, although I'm just as amused that he seems to find age insulting as weight. Personally, I've always been attracted to older men.

I'm puzzled by working for the state being an insult; I know quite a few people who do, and they lead comfortable lives, and have good security - especially important in the current economy, no?

I also know a few people who live with their parents - again, I am puzzled as to why this would be an insult. I am, in fact, a homeowner, but both my siblings moved home at one point or another, and I know quite a few people who have done the same. It's a familiar space, usually low rent or rent free, and allows one to build up a financial buffer and spend time with people close to them.

He's right about one thing at least. This was fun to break down and defuse.

#29 - This is not the Sub you are looking for.

The maestro of the English language found in #27 decided that my "no" apparently wasn't clear enough:

lol ok so lets try this again.................. whats your yahoo name>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> do u have working web cam???????????????
and are you drunk ................ rambling on............... or just spent 10 hrs trying to sounds like u have a brain... quite a huge amt of bullshit u spewed to skirt my direct question..cock or pussy?????????/

What would YOU do, boys and girls?

I did this:

Well gosh, let's take this last thing first:

"cock or pussy?????????/"

If you had actually read the "bullshit" I "spewed" you would have seen I answered your direct question. "I assure you that I am a real female, and moreover I have always been one."

And now that that critical piece of information is out of the way: I am not giving you my Yahoo name, nor any of my other messenger names. I do have a working webcam, not that it much matters, as you're never going to see any of the images that go through it.

I am not not drunk, nor was I drunk the first time that I answered the misspelled, poorly constructed, downright rude blurt that you considered an acceptable message to send to someone. Rather than rambling, I was offering a deconstruction of what it was about your initial message to me that was a complete turn-off.

This message, nearly a month later, is inexplicably worse. Even if it had taken me ten hours to sound like I have a brain, at least it did not take me three weeks to sound like a self-centered moron.

Clearly I am not what you are looking for here - I advise you to not waste your time nor my own by messaging me again.

I also advise you to practice the fine art of self-restraint, beginning with using one piece of punctuation at a time.

#28 - So am I the Cinnamon Stick or the Curry Powder?

Hi.. Im Bob , with someone but not in a open relationship. I'm looking for some spice, to also provide some fun and frolic to someone elses life as well. I am for real, no pic because I must remain discreet. Write back if you are interested at all. I may be 52, but can act 20 ( so I'm told!) lol I will be waiting to hear from you!

Bob

Bob,

I appreciate both your time and your candor. You seem like a jolly, likable guy, but if you are with someone and not in an open relationship, then I assure you I am not the spice you are looking for. My husband and I are polyamorous, and what makes it ork for us is communication on all accounts; just as neither of us would want the other taking up with someone without our knowledge and approval, neither do we (singly or together) have interest in being someone's dirty little secret, no matter how spicey it might be.

I wish you luck in finding what you're looking for. You simply will not find it with me.

Best regards,

TheSnob

#27 - Your/you're/ur/You/u?

Hey neighbor.. so whats your yahoo name.. do u have web cam.. are you real female or male posing as male?

I received the above from someone who I had never approached, and who had never approached me before; clearly, he didn't bother to read much of the brief profile I maintain on that site, or he might have noticed... oh, perhaps that I spell words and capitalize things? Naturally, I sent him back the following helpful correction:

One period ends a sentence. Three periods are an ellipsis. Two periods are just indecisive.

"What's" has an apostrophe in it. "yor" is not a word. "Your" is, though. I am not interested in sharing my offsite contact information at this time.

"U" is not a word; "you" is, though. I do have a web cam - and as above, I am not interested in sharing it at this time.

Your final question, misstated though it seems, I find the most intriguing. I presume that you meant to ask if I was a male posing as female. This hearkens to the continuing and sadly consistent question as to whether there are any real women on the internet - even here where honesty about one's gender and orientation are crucial to a viable connection. I wonder if you have just natural suspicion about everyone, or only women online - or even whether you've already had a poor experience that made you, ah, gunshy (if you'll excuse that pun). I assure you that I am a real female, and moreover I have always been one. Have a nice day. -TheSnob

#26 - When In Doubt, Wig 'Em Out

[11:53:19 am]WiggedOutRomeo:hello

[11:54:36 am]TheSnob:Hello.

[11:55:05 am]WiggedOutRomeo:hey what ya up 2?

[11:56:13 am]TheSnob:working, writing, watching the clock... the usual Friday routine.

[11:58:04 am]WiggedOutRomeo:ur very pretty

[11:58:39 am]TheSnob:Thank you!

[11:59:52 am]WiggedOutRomeo:id love to kiss those lips with the plastic wig on

[12:02:38 pm]TheSnob:That statement puzzled me for a moment, and I was picturing a pair of lips with a wig. Or lips with a plastic moustache that droops around the sides like a wig.

No less entertaining was the fact that in the profile picture alongside this little conversation, it showed his shirt drawn up to reveal a remarkably hairy torso - not just his chest.

#25 - I Do Not Think That Word Means What You Think It Means

[8:37:33 am]ESLRomeo:hello dear

[8:39:21 am]TheSnob:Good morning.

[8:43:10 am]ESLRomeo:oh there is a morning then very good morning

[8:43:47 am]ESLRomeo:here in india it is 6:00 pm evening

[8:44:26 am]TheSnob:It's 9am morning here.

[8:44:57 am]ESLRomeo:good so deiffrence

[8:45:04 am]ESLRomeo:so now whats going up

[8:45:26 am]ESLRomeo:now iam go to home and u

[8:46:10 am]TheSnob:I am just starting work.

[8:46:32 am]ESLRomeo:what u r doing

[8:46:39 am]ESLRomeo:i mean jobs or

[8:46:51 am]TheSnob:Yes, my job.,

[8:47:00 am]ESLRomeo:in which field

[8:47:08 am]ESLRomeo:which company

[8:47:27 am]TheSnob:Data analysis at (redacted)company.

[8:47:46 am]ESLRomeo:i am a stock broker

[8:49:48 am]ESLRomeo:heloo

[8:50:02 am]ESLRomeo:ok get yr work

[8:50:05 am]TheSnob:Hello.

[8:50:22 am]ESLRomeo:r u married

[8:50:27 am]TheSnob:Yes.

[8:50:37 am]ESLRomeo:how many childrens u have

[8:50:58 am]TheSnob:Two.

[8:51:03 am]ESLRomeo:nice

[8:51:12 am]ESLRomeo:what yr husband doing

[8:51:19 am]TheSnob:He's also working.

[8:52:54 am]ESLRomeo:u both are working thas good

[8:53:12 am]TheSnob:Yes.

[8:53:21 am]ESLRomeo:whats yr dreams to archive

[8:53:34 am]TheSnob:To be a writer.

[8:53:57 am]ESLRomeo:what u write like ?

[8:54:22 am]ESLRomeo:whats yr job timing

[8:54:42 am]TheSnob:I write short fiction.

[8:55:33 am]ESLRomeo:ok thanx

[8:55:45 am]ESLRomeo: r u a bisexual that means

[8:55:54 am]ESLRomeo:looking for sex

[8:56:46 am]TheSnob:No. Bisexual means that I enjoy the romantic company of both men and women.

[8:57:20 am]ESLRomeo:so that i am romantic for u

[8:58:02 am]ESLRomeo:what is romance?

[8:58:11 am]ESLRomeo:pls reply fast

[8:58:24 am]TheSnob:A relationship. Dating, fun, sex, and so forth.

[8:58:39 am]TheSnob:...who the hell do you think you are?

[8:58:56 am]ESLRomeo:no i amnot

[8:59:07 am]TheSnob:I will reply when I am good and ready, and you can wait for it, or you can go bother someone else.

[8:59:28 am]ESLRomeo:angry then sorryyyyyyyyy

[8:59:59 am]TheSnob:You had better be. That was a rude demand to put on someone you don't know.

[9:01:52 am]ESLRomeo:what i demanding u

[9:02:15 am]ESLRomeo:i am just asking when i dont know

[9:02:37 am]ESLRomeo:ok be romantic

[9:03:23 am]ESLRomeo:hello dear soryyyyyyyyy

[9:04:00 am]ESLRomeo:r u there ?

[9:04:53 am]TheSnob:Perhaps it is a miscommunication; I take it that English is not your first language?

[9:05:11 am]ESLRomeo:yes

[9:05:23 am]ESLRomeo:learnt from u

[9:05:58 am]TheSnob:Well, I recomment that you stop shortening words to single letters. It makes you appear younger and less intelligent, to a native English speaker.

[9:07:19 am]ESLRomeo:ok sorry for that

[9:08:36 am]TheSnob:Quite all right. There are intricacies to any language that are hard to pick up if you aren't raised or immersed in the native culture.

[9:09:03 am]ESLRomeo:if i am wormg that i say sorry now iam leaving and go to home if i hurt u by any words then please be sorry by heart

[9:10:19 am]ESLRomeo:my [ersonal id is : (redacted)@yahoo.com u can contact me on that

[9:10:38 am]ESLRomeo:my name is (redacted)

[9:11:11 am]ESLRomeo:i think u r a good teacher for me

[9:12:19 am]TheSnob:I like to help people. Say "you are" instead of "u r" for example.

[9:12:57 am]ESLRomeo:thanx

[9:13:08 am]TheSnob:You are welcome.

[9:13:17 am]ESLRomeo:now i leave u can contact me on my personal id

[9:13:30 am]TheSnob:No thank you.

[9:13:46 am]ESLRomeo:ok your choice

[9:14:05 am]ESLRomeo:byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

[9:14:36 am]TheSnob:Farewell.

#24 - Too Many Roosters In My Henhouse

Sometimes, for whatever reasons, I get messages that have accompanying, uh, visual aids. This one in particular had alongside it the man's avatar, featuring presumably himself seated in an armchair. The shot went from neck to mid-shin, and the view of his form, in a state of obvious excitation, wsa entirely unhindered by any clothing whatsoever.

InsecureRomeo:Just out of curiosity, to you think my cock is a decent size?

TheSnob: I don't keep chickens, so I really have no basis for comparison.

InsecureRomeo:Thank you, you've been very helpful.

I must admit, I did go to his profile to get a larger-scale view - and on any scale, it was, in fact, impressive.

I'm glad I save it locally, because a few minutes later he deleted it. I thought long *koff* and hard *koffkoff* about having it accompany this post, as by having it on his profile he'd theoretically put it into public domain. But (A) that's too disrespectful of any veneer of privacy he might maintain, and (2) that would probably shunt this blog right into the category of pornography, and get me booted from blogger.

And I don't want that any more than you do.

#23 - He Thinks I Have Good Taste (And I Agree)

(11:03:19 am)MouthyRomeo:hello.

(11:15:16 am)TheSnob:Hello.

(11:15:29 am)MouthyRomeo:How are you?

(11:15:52 am)TheSnob:Quite well, thank you, and yourself?

(11:16:11 am)MouthyRomeo:very well. are you kinky?

(11:16:46 am)TheSnob:Relatively speaking. Do you like doughnuts?

(11:17:03 am)MouthyRomeo:lol. very much.

(11:17:31 am)TheSnob:Me too. Boston Cremes are good, but sometimes a regular glazed one just goes so nicely with the morning coffee.

(11:21:00 am)MouthyRomeo:i love doughnuts.

(11:21:21 am)TheSnob:Me too. Trying to cut back though.

(11:24:06 am)MouthyRomeo:do you like kinky sex?

(11:26:08 am)TheSnob:Some kinds. There are many kinks.

(11:28:06 am)MouthyRomeo:what do you like?

(11:28:47 am)TheSnob:This isn't usually a subject of first conversation for me.

(11:29:06 am)MouthyRomeo:i'd love to lick you.

(11:29:28 am)TheSnob:That's rather bold, even reckless - you don't know where I've been.

(11:29:56 am)MouthyRomeo:where have you been?

(11:32:16 am)TheSnob:The (city redacted) area for the last few years, but I grew up in (state redacted), with vacations to several places through the years.

Things I'm sure he wanted me to say:

Yes, I'm kinky - come find out how much!

Oh baby. Please put your tongue on me.

I've been sexy, dirty places. Come catch a special disease I've been saving just for you.

....okay, maybe not that last one.

I wonder what he thinks I'd taste like?